Sign in a Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in
value.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make
Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S
a message!

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've
stayed alive.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on
the highway?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section
in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you wouldn't want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.