When I die, I want to die like my grandfather -- who died peacefully in his
sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do
what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
children"
--Author Unknown

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for
that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
and just give her a house,"
--Rod Stewart

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job,
but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of
the night, drop them off at the wrong house!"
--Jeff Foxworthy


"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base."


"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it
like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they
leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you
how to swim."
--Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish
burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be
dead."
--Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and
that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have
to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is
the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they
can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown


"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look
that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry